you joyly we know you should not be serious... joyly well know that you must be a joker now or you will break down again... it took effort to hide everything.... then you lose control infront of ur friends.... talking to yourself ain't solving the prob... but i prefer to let it dissolve. dissolve and forget... ernest started talking about you being too rash, violent to khuang.... yar... an eye for an eye... you hit me it the [ahem] i hit you back... does it matters which method i use... no. footprint can be solved by detregent... and you have it... the ernest get to his "serious talk" again... talking about how much i hurt khuang.... so? is there so many reason to care for anyone.... then ernest said you joked too far. over joked... yar, to you it maybe. to me... i get entertain k? then walked out of sch... till now, you feel that ernest is slightly older then khuang... yar. in terms of appearance... not the true colour... i don't want to see the true colour. it doesn't help me much... then jing loon came in... join the party... still continueing on ernest topic on serious and joking.... a morbid sense of humour... something like that.. thats what i have. joke about ur grandma dead.... ur parents.... u urself.... anything is on the table. why not to be serious.... you get the memories that haunts you... the hate... the anger.. the sadness.... all the shit you want to forget. and a joker cuz you want to stay happy. why join cldds in the first place..... reasons of a slack cca... reason that it realy improves your acting.... pretend to laugh when you are still crying.... treating as if nothing had happen... acting like u don't know anything. ignorance is bliss. the more you know the more you get... knowing that people related by blood would do unimaginable things, for show or over money.... thoughts of suicides.... and so on. so ernest or jing loon made a comparison with hong ren.... he is he. me is me... he can see and forget... good for him, i can't. joyly well know you had not recovered, and it is better to be a joker now.... then became serious and cried again... what to say? you deserve it. huo gai [chi] let the ernest continue his talk... let him have that sense of superiority... k? 7 weeks... better recover within that time frame. a dead line to meet. 7 months to completely erase most of it... never all. must have some vague memories... don't want a empty, unknown past... before you die.. you think back what you had done within that 7, 6 decade of your life at the first or second decade- empty... it freaks me out.

the part of the joking... comes down to the value which i believed in... parents say this... but really 100% take everything... or modify and keep. or over the years, discard away those that bring one sadness. the one where i have big problems with..."care and compassion" i see no point in it... 7 years to learn this lesson.... why care? should one care for those who had hurt you. and if someone who had hurt you deeply in terms of action and verbally... should you still care? ... damn it, i prayed that the person would just die off. one block having funeral, the other block at party over the death.... i learnt this from a period of 5-12 years old....

so the baka, thought can open up to someone at last, but end up hurt again... you never learnt your lesson don't you... observe more next time.

you know you can't tell your parents... you get a scolding, then it gets worst... and still, you are kinda semi expected to solve their prob at times, and not to give them prob.... sucky.

ppl would say this is twisted thinking.... yar..
k... now cool down much more liao. read an article somewhere, saying that the japanes war soldier, kill ppl in the day and rape women at night... why? firstly, they commited great act of violence in the day. at night, it is to neutralise this violence... do they really want to kill, or are they ordered to kill? mostly is ordered to kill. not much of a choice. it's i kill you or you kill me. i prefer to live then to die, so you die... then how... the terror is within this ppl. any guy would like want to make love to forget this... the actual sentence should be like "... i killed many people... let's just make love all night long to forget about this...." something like that. why use "make love" not go play arcade or anything.... during a war, means that tmr, you could be dead. and if that soldier have a life partner... then he would not want to die that fast yet... coming back to the main ques.. why use "make love" ppl view that the males would F when given a chance... but not quite true... the guy would not F a person who he deem as a bad person or a lousy ppl in laymen term... they do it to the good looking.....[it's natural] and the partner. the F session.. is when there is totally no more secrets between them.... the part of chasing aft her, asking for marraige.... then the F. hey that's a pretty long time. its like once you gain acess, you gain acess to it...

so if the love part is hurt, then what... personally, switching back to the violent part is the most logical... grief... i feel less when i watch hellsing. anything else, just don't bring back the shitty memories k?